How to Share Your Emotions Without Triggering an Argument

27 May

Written by Kirsti Formoso, MSc. Transpersonal Psychology, BSc. Psychology

Do you find yourself in an argument every time you try to express your emotions? Or find that things escalate very quickly when you try to express how you’re feeling?

This can be so frustrating, and we often want to blame the other person or feel like they’re being unreasonable, but, in truth, it could be how you’re communicating.

INHERITED COMMUNICATION STYLES

As children, we’re generally not taught healthy ways of communicating. We learn how to communicate through watching adults and through our interactions with adults. And the truth is, adults aren’t very good at communicating. As we grow up, we develop bad communication habits. And we don’t even realise it.

Not only are most adults not very good at communicating, but we also develop our own poor communication styles when we grow up with insecure attachment styles. This adds a level of anxiety and insecurity to our communication.

I see it in my own relationships when I get triggered, and I witness it in other people’s relationships. We’re mostly not direct and honest when we communicate; we leave a lot for the other person to calculate, and we expect them to read our mind, we’re passive-aggressive, we let our emotions take centre stage, we project a hell of a lot, and we don’t listen.

Is it any wonder that arguments happen? We have problems communicating with our husbands or wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, partners, children, parents, siblings, employers, neighbours, friends and sometimes completely random strangers.

We’re social creatures, and interpersonal relationships are important to us.

INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

Especially our closest relationships. But guess what? It’s our closest relationships that are the most challenging. They’re the people who most easily trigger us without even intentionally trying. We love them, but communication often ends up with either or both parties feeling unheard, invalidated, unloved, frustrated and angry. No matter how hard we try, they just don’t get what we are saying and will often take offence, be on defence and likely attack back. Leaving both of you wounded and deflated.

FIGHTING ABOUT THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER

Often, we’ll argue about the same things over and over again! And never gets resolved. Sound familiar? Chances are you’re not a great communicator. There are thousands of other people out there who are also arguing with their loved ones.

I used to think I was really good at communicating my emotions. I’m pretty articulate and in touch with my emotions – what’s the big deal? But the truth is, I wasn’t. I knew how I felt, but I just couldn’t get other people to see how I felt. And it would often end up with me shouting and screaming.

It wasn’t until I read Non-violent Communication that I realised I was useless at communicating my emotions. That book changed the way I shared my emotions. It was revolutionary, and still, fifteen years later, I’m still talking about it.

PERSONAL AND SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT

I also developed other skills to help me become an adult about expressing my emotions. If we want to improve our relationships, we have to start with ourselves. And instead of pointing the finger at others, we have to look inside, work on ourselves, and bring to the surface that which is hidden.

A good place to start our personal development journey is with the Non-violent Communication book and its companion Workbook. Because if there’s one thing I learnt on my journey, it's that it’s not enough to read; you have to do the work and engage with what you’re reading so that transformation can happen. And this workbook encourages you to do just that.

Another big game-changer is learning the skill of present-moment self-awareness through mindfulness. Because when we develop present-moment self-awareness, we start to witness our part in conversations. We start to observe how we are communicating, and we are able to make better responses in the moment.

BUILD YOUR EMOTIONS VOCABULARY

I know it sounds silly, but I can’t stress how important it is. If you’re a grown adult, you’re probably thinking, ‘I’ve got enough vocabulary to communicate my emotions. But I’m willing to bet you don’t. You see, the thing is that we don’t express how we’re feeling, we express how we perceive others are treating us – big difference.

Do you find yourself saying things like

· I feel unsupported, or I feel like you don’t support me

· I feel let down, or I feel like you let me down

· I feel cornered, or I feel like you’ve got me cornered

None of these are emotions. They are projections. We know we are projecting when we start sentences with “I feel like you…”.

PROJECTING ON TO OTHERS

We are projecting our perceptions on the other person, not expressing how we feel. The problem is, we view the world through our perception, which is unique to us and not necessarily shared by others. So, while our emotions can be real, our perception is often off kilter. That’s why you don’t get the reception you were looking for when you communicate like this. Instead, you get your listener’s back up – you can expect attack or shut down, but don’t expect a supportive ear.

REAL EMOTIONS AND EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY

If things are getting heated when you’re talking about how you feel, you’re probably not saying things like;

· I feel disgruntled, disheartened, lonely or agitated

· I feel forlorn, wistful, or humdrum

· I feel pessimistic, harried, or resentful

These are real emotions; they are felt by you. When you communicate in this way with real emotions, you get a completely different response from your listener. Instead of feeling defensive, your listener will register your pain in their heart. They are more likely to feel compassion and want to help.

I’m willing to bet that your emotional vocabulary bank is not very big. The first thing you could do to become a better communicator is learn more words that accurately describe how you are feeling. Expanding your vocabulary reduces frustration and is so empowering.

WANT TO FEEL LOVED WHEN YOU EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL?

Having a handy list of emotions available in the house or at work is an excellent way to start communicating more effectively with your family, friends and colleagues. We’ve been using this poster in our house for years, and it's amazing how much better we are at communicating.

Sometimes we’re just not sure how we’re feeling, but that’s not a problem when you have an emotions list poster. Just find your poster and pick the emotions that best resonate with what you’re feeling. Start communicating better and get the support you need today.

If you like this emotion list, feel free to screenshot it and print it out. You can also find a similar list in the Non-violent Communication Book and its companion workbook.

UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS

If you want to communicate your feelings and emotions, you have to understand them first. You need to know what you’re feeling. The problem is that we don't value feelings in the west so we don’t invest in really learning to understand them. And when we communicate them, we don't really know what we're trying to communicate, or why we're trying to communicate it.

We don't even really know how we feel

Ever had a dispute with someone and, as you thought about what happened, you get more confused and more worked up? And the story just goes round and round in your head like a stuck record. And no matter how much it goes round in your head, you’re either no clearer on how you feel about it, or you’re just angrier cos you’ve got yourself all worked up?

Sometimes, trying to work things out in your head

just makes things worse

YOU HAVE TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS

We naturally run away from our feelings when they’re negative. We don’t want to feel something that doesn’t feel nice. But, in truth, feeling our feelings is the only way to release them.

First, we need to locate where in our body we’re feeling it.

Get curious. Do you feel it in your gut? Or is your heart heavy? Are your shoulders hunched and your back rounded? Or are your shoulders back and your chest out? Is your breath short and shallow? Do you feel energised in your arms or hands? Do you feel weak at the knees?

This is probably a new experience for many people because we tend not to embody our experiences, but instead go straight to our brains to work them out. But our bodies are communicators; they have feeling centres that communicate information to the brain. These feelings and sensations are there to tell us something of our experience. Don’t block them out, but instead be curious about what your body is trying to tell you.

Second, write about it.

You see, there's a big difference between thinking about something and trying to process it in your head and writing about it in a journal.

When we think about it, we just go on autopilot loop. We don't come up with anything new or creative. We don't come up with new thoughts or inspirations; instead, we just replay the tape over and over again.

But here's the thing. Every time we do that, we make ourselves more righteous or more victim, and we make the other person more wrong. We tweak the story and emphasise little bits so we can feel better about ourselves. It might be self-serving in the moment, but in the long run its likely to cause damage to our relationships

Rumination sabotages relationships

When we write about it, we don’t endlessly write about it over and over again in a loop and get nowhere. We actually write an account of what happened from our perception. And through this action, we can start to discern what it is, exactly, that triggered us. What was it that was said that really went to our core?

I start by writing a detailed objective account of what happened, and I keep writing and keep writing.

When we do this, we can start to look inwards and use it as a growing edge to understanding ourselves better. I keep writing until I work out why I’m so upset. Until I uncover what it is inside of me that is so upset.

THE POWER OF KNOWING YOUR EMOTIONS

When someone hits a raw nerve in us, we know that this is an area to be explored. The more we explore these hidden parts of ourselves and uncover what’s been triggered, the less people can trigger us and the more control we have over our lives.

We also start to take responsibility for our part in things, and the less we blame other people for our uneasiness. Sounds like more harmony? It might not excuse what someone else has done, but without our baggage wrapped up in there, perhaps we can have a more relative response or even have some compassion for the other person.

So, next time you feel triggered, annoyed, anxious or stressed, try to notice where in your body you are feeling it, get your journal out at the next available opportunity and start writing. Right from the very first time you do this, you will find you have more clarity on the situation than if you’d kept going over and over it in your head. The best part of all this? The more you do this, the better you will get at understanding how you feel and the better you will get at expressing your emotions. You’ll learn a whole lot about yourself that you never knew, and you’ll be less triggered and affected by what others have to say.

SHARING YOUR EMOTIONS WITH MATURITY

Learning to share our emotions without triggering an argument is life-changing. When we communicate with maturity, we foster intimacy, trust, connections and love. And we feel heard, validated and understood. In this way, we are able to have our needs met so that we can thrive and feel nourished inwardly. And go out into the world with more confidence. Start your personal development today by learning to communicate with maturity and watch your life and relationships transform.