Written by Kirsti Formoso, MSc. Transpersonal Psychology, BSc. Psychology

Arguing with the people you love feels horrible. It's emotionally stressful. And leaves us feeling bruised. We've all been there. But we can turn an argument or a fight into an opportunity to learn, grow, and develop a deeper connection with those we love.

In this article, I’ll share my top 5 tips for making up after an argument so you can both move forward. If you’ve just had a big fight and you’re still in fight or flight mode, scroll down to the section HOW TO MAKE UP AFTER A FIGHT. You’ll find lots of information and links to help and support you immediately.

When you’re feeling OK, I really recommend reading the whole article. In it, you’ll learn to understand what’s causing arguments and fights in your life, how to stop them from happening again, how to heal from them and how to regain trust and rebuild your relationship.

Even though you’re always welcome here, I know you don’t want to be here again next week or next month. So, let's see if we can pull something positive out of what's happened. It's time to step up, be courageous, and learn from your mistakes.

SOMETIMES FIGHTS HAPPEN

Some degree of conflict is inevitable in a relationship. As individuals, we have different ideas, values, priorities, biases, and agendas. And sooner or later, they will rub up against those we love. The key is not to let our disagreements cause undue harm. But sadly, arguments over silly things can often escalate into fights and end up flooding us with all sorts of negative feelings.

Feelings of anger, pain, frustration, or upset are typical. But we might also feel awkward about something we've said and wish we'd said things differently. Soon enough, emotions like shame or regret start to creep in. Or perhaps, if our partner was out of control, we might be feeling hurt, offended, unloved, and emotionally battered. All these feelings are normal after a fight.

Arguing is normal. And fights happen. It's all a natural part of trying to share a life together. We can't always be on the same page. We'll never always agree, and quite often, we’ll disagree, even in a healthy relationship. But if you feel like you're constantly fighting or when you do argue, it's more like a fight, it might be time to address the underlying causes and invest in some personal development.

POWER STRUGGLES

In a relationship, there is often a power struggle. In psychology, we call this power relations or power dynamics. This can result in tit-for-tat arguments, bickering, and arguments that never get resolved. Usually, people aren't aware of the power struggle beneath the arguing about who does more house chores. We need to realise that underneath all the fighting and arguments is a fight for power.

In these power struggles, we're fighting for control and influence. We're fighting for our corner. We want to be heard, seen, and validated. We want what we want. Having power dynamics in relationships is quite normal, but constant power struggles can be detrimental to intimacy.

Power struggles can be the result of childhood challenges and our attachment styles. Someone with an insecure attachment style may be more prone to needing control in the relationship. If you have two people with insecure attachment styles, this doubles the problem and likelihood of fighting.

SHADOW BOXING

Our attachment style is not the only remnant of childhood that we tend to drag into relationships. We all have psychological shadows. These are the parts of ourselves that have been neglected, hidden, and stuffed down. The parts of us that, as children, were not welcomed by our parents, our environment, and society.

The problem is that our shadows tend to grow into big, beastly shadows the older we get. In a desperate attempt to draw our attention to our inner wounds, our shadows lash out louder and harder as the years roll by.

Many of the conflicts we see in relationships arise from our shadows being out of control and looking for attention.

In a way, we're acting like children. Neglected childhood issues and traumas need to be healed. If they're not, they create havoc in adult life. Our unseen inner child starts acting out. Instead of communicating like adults, most of us deal with conflict like children.

FIGHTS CAUSE MORE HURT FEELINGS

The problem with power struggles and unruly shadows is that they tend to turn our arguments into fights, causing more hurt feelings and damaging the relationship further. We're not children anymore. We're capable of really hurting people. We've all woken up the next morning and felt remorse over the hurtful things we've said. But once said, it's difficult to take them back. The damage is done.

And I’m guilty, I’ve been there. I’m talking from experience. For much of my adult life, I was easily triggered, and I wasn’t in control of my anger. I said and did things that hurt my partners. I didn’t know how to calm down after an argument. And then I did not know how to make up after an argument with my boyfriend and later husband. And I did not know how to start a conversation after the argument because I would be racked with post-fight shame.

Thankfully, that’s all in the past. I’ve learnt to emotionally regulate, I’m less triggered, and when I am, I see it for what it is - my own issues. I’m able to express my anger without shouting and screaming. And I know how to make up after an argument.

I think back and wonder how my boyfriends and later my husband and I ever got through all those fights and destructive behaviour. I’m really not sure where I’d be if I hadn’t put in the work to heal myself - probably single ;)

INNER WORK

Fixing our relationships, learning to work things out instead of fighting and learning what to do after a fight are mostly things we do alone. It’s what happens when we heal ourselves. Because when we fix ourselves, we fix our relationships.

I put in a lot of inner work to heal and fix myself, and I’ve become a better communicator and emotional regulator for it. But I have to be honest, I’m a different person since I had my mystical experience. After years of working on my traumas and psychological baggage and walking the spiritual path, I had a spiritual awakening that was transformational.

Now I think of my life in terms of life before my profound spiritual awakening, which was an emotional rollercoaster full of arguments with my husband and, before that, my boyfriends, and life after, which is stable and calm with nourishing, healthy relationships.

HOW TO MAKE UP AFTER A FIGHT

How we make up is a significant determinant of whether our relationship will last the test of time. Some research suggests that how we make up is more important than how frequently a couple argues. So, if you're arguing too frequently with your partner, take heart, knowing that if you master the kissing and make-up, you might yet find yourselves enjoying retirement together.

So, let's look at how to make up after an argument.

🔶 1. Harm reduction with time and space

If an argument doesn't seem productive and starts to get messy, you might be better off taking a time out. Could you give each other some cooling-off space and return to it later? This action in itself can reduce the harm caused by an argument.

When we argue, it affects our physiology. Our heart rate and blood pressure go up, and we go into a state of fight or flight. This has its own negative effects, such as shutting down our immune system. But it also tells our brain we're not safe.

Listening to each other in this state can be challenging, and we're more likely to lash out. It can be a total waste of time trying to resolve problems when we’re in the fight, flight or freeze mode. Instead, take time out for harm reduction.

Don't just give your partner the silent treatment. This can be infuriating and frustrating for the other person. Instead, just let them know you'd like to take time out to calm down so that you can both come back later and talk more productively.

During your time out, find a way to discharge pent-up feelings and fight or flight hormones. When I was in my twenties and in a volatile relationship, I would go for a very long walk. But I guarantee that after a few hours in nature and discharging my adrenaline, I could come back and address the conflict in a healthier way.

As well as spending time in nature, you could try going to the gym, doing some breathwork, journaling, meditating or cold water immersion. Anything that calms you down, nourishes you and taps into your vagus nerve can be helpful; doing art, baking, gardening, or listening to music are also good options.

But don’t spend your time out in your head. We have a tendency to ruminate and conjure up evidence in our minds that proves we’re right. That’s not conducive to making up after a fight. Those kinds of thoughts are destructive, and they’re not your friend. Instead, move into your body and tune into what your body is telling you. Read my article, Get Out of Your Head: Guide to Practising Embodiment for help, if you’re guilty ;)

Make sure you use this time productively. Don't use it as an escape or a way of ignoring the problem. Take time to reflect honestly, in a healthy and productive way, on what's going on for you at a deeper level. Be honest with yourself about how you are behaving and communicating. You might also like to talk with a licensed psychologist, therapist, coach, or counsellor to help you work through what is going on for you.

Is the problem with the other person, or is it with you? Usually, when we find ourselves in an argument, it's because we've been triggered somehow. You can try to identify what's triggered in you, rather than focusing on the other person.

🔶 2. Offer an olive branch

Once you've cooled down, you can start to think about making up. At some point, someone needs to offer an olive branch. It’s natural to feel vulnerable when offering an olive branch after a fight. If you’re concerned about offering an olive branch, remind yourself that you love each other and you both want things to be good.

Then pluck up the courage and bite the bullet.

Offering an olive branch doesn’t have to be an admission of anything. That will all come later. And it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture either. We can do this in many different ways, and usually, couples will have their own olive branches. It might be a heartfelt hug, an inside joke, a cup of coffee, or simply an "I'm sorry." Whatever works.

If you've used your time out wisely, you'll be ready if your partner offers an olive branch first. Accepting an olive branch is integral to making up after an argument. Research suggests that if we frequently refuse an olive branch from our partners, this spells disaster for any relationship in the future.

Offering or accepting an olive branch is the first step in resolving conflict.

Olive branch ideas

Here are 10 olive branch ideas you could use to soften the energy and open the door to reconciliation after an argument:

A simple, heartfelt message – Send a short text or note that says, “I don’t like how we left things. You matter to me, and I’d like us to reconnect.”
Small symbolic gift – Offer something thoughtful but lighthearted, like their favourite snack, a flower, or a handwritten note.
Shared memory reminder – Bring up a happy moment you’ve shared: “I was just remembering that trip we took, it made me smile. I don’t want our disagreement to overshadow what we have.”
Gentle humour – If the situation allows, a little joke or lighthearted meme can break the tension.
Cook or order their favourite meal – Sharing food often softens walls and makes space for connection.
A sincere compliment – Acknowledge something you truly appreciate about them, separate from the disagreement.
Offer a hug or physical gesture of care – If appropriate, a silent gesture like a hug, touch on the hand, or smile can speak volumes.
Create space for them – Sometimes an olive branch is simply saying: “I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
Do something kind without words – Run an errand, make coffee, or handle a small task for them as a gesture of goodwill.
Invite connection – Suggest a walk, a cup of tea, or another low-pressure activity where conversation can flow naturally.

🔶 3. Talking after an argument

Don't brush things under the carpet and ignore the fact that you've had an argument. It's essential to communicate after an argument. Taking responsibility and accountability for our part in an argument is vital in damage repair.

You may wish to talk about it right away. Another approach is to make a date to talk about it in the next 24 hours. This way, you're both ready and willing and will have set aside time where you won't be distracted by children or phone calls. Communicate your emotions effectively so that the other person can listen easily to what you want to say.

Using active listening skills so that you feel heard goes a long way to rekindling the connection and intimacy. When we allow our partner to share their feelings without interrupting, we provide a safe space and show them that we care.

Making a heartfelt apology for your part helps rekindle trust, empathy, and intimacy. Try to use non-violent communication methods to avoid flaring up the argument again.

🔶 4. Finding the root cause of the problem

Most of our arguments are recurrent. Finding the root cause of the problem can reduce the frequency and severity of arguments in the future. Was the argument really about the washing up? Or something your partner did or didn't do?

Or were the actions perceived as symbolic of an underlying issue? Is it possible that on a subconscious level, leaving the dishes seemed like your partner didn't care about you or respect you? Remember, many of our arguments are rooted in our beliefs and childhood issues.

By doing inner work, personal development and spiritual practices, we remove the thorns that trigger us and take away other people's power to disturb our peace. We reduce the number of arguments we have because we can communicate effectively instead of blowing up from being triggered.

🔶 5. Action plan

After an argument, it can be good to create an action plan. What did you both learn from the argument, subsequent time out, and reconciliation conversation? What would you like to do differently? How might you resolve the problem in the future if it's a recurrent issue? What process can you implement for the next time this issue triggers for either of you?

HEALING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AFTER A FIGHT

Making up after an argument or fight is the first step to healing your relationship. But I always think it helps to add some healing balm. In romantic relationships, make-up sex is just that. It’s a healing balm; it releases all our trust hormones, rebuilding the trust that was compromised during the fight.

But make-up sex isn’t for everyone; many people feel too vulnerable or hurt to launch into making love right away. There are many romantic ways to make up after a fight. You could just go on a date, cuddle up on the sofa and watch a favourite movie, go for a romantic walk or picnic, cook together, or even create a playlist of your favourite songs together.

And maybe your fight wasn’t with a romantic partner but with a friend or family member. In this case, plan something you like doing together. Maybe you like playing tennis, shopping, or comedy shows. Make an effort to have fun together and enjoy each other, and it will go a long way.

STOPPING FUTURE ARGUMENTS

We all know arguments can escalate quickly. But the faster we realise that any discussion has become unproductive or destructive, the quicker we can nip it in the bud. Take time out. And come back with more clarity.

In close and intimate relationships, we often find ourselves arguing repeatedly over the same issues. If you're arguing about something repeatedly, try to allocate some time to resolve the matter when neither person is triggered. Do some research and look for creative solutions to come to an agreement or understanding.

PREVENTING FUTURE ARGUMENTS

While arguments happen between two people, working on yourself and developing self-awareness will reduce the number of arguments you get into from your side. Maybe it's time to invest in yourself, start healing those wounds, and become the person you were meant to be.

Use this negative emotion as a springboard to motivational transformation. Turn this negative into a positive and start your personal and spiritual development today. Resolve to keep working on yourself until you can control your anger, reduce the frequency of getting triggered, choose not to get into fights and arguments, and express yourself in a productive way.

NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION

Unless we've made conscious efforts to develop communication skills like active listening and non-violent communication, most of us don't have the skill set to deal with conflict in a healthy way.

Instead, we start throwing all manner of stuff at each other. Bringing in old wounds and events, shouting blasphemies, playing the blame game, or giving each other the silent treatment.

Developing good communication skills can prevent this from happening in the future. One book I found particularly helpful is Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

I'll be honest: before I read this book, I really believed that I was good at communicating my emotions. It turns out I was terrible at expressing my feelings and very good at projecting onto others. There's a difference. And people respond to these styles of communication very differently.

For example, if I say to you, “You think you’re better than me”, it won’t go down well. But if I say, “I’m feeling small right now, like I’m not good enough”, you might want to hug me.

When we communicate our feelings, people tend to respond in a caring and considerate manner. When we project, it always gets people's backs up. They instantly go into defence mode. The result? Another argument!

I learnt this powerful secret to healthy communication in this book, and that’s why I highly recommend it if you’re struggling with arguments.

Get it now on amazon

As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases and will receive a small commission when you use this link. I like to think of it as a little thank you for the free content I am dedicated to providing on my site.

PERSONAL AND SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT

It’s tempting to just get on with your life after an argument and put it all behind you. And while that can be good, bypassing the underlying issues is not. And they will just keep resurfacing and causing trouble in your life until you deal with them.

You can work on your subconscious, conscious or superconscious dimensions. Whatever works for you. Whatever feels manageable and not too scary.

A nice, easy place to start with your self-awareness project is the Wellness Wheel Assessment. This is a simple exercise that might just help you find the root of your frustration today.

You could also learn about mindfulness and meditation. This spiritual practice is probably one of the most powerful ways to transform your life and relationships. It helps us develop a space so that we can respond instead of react. Obviously, this alone will reduce arguments.

And if you’re feeling like you don’t have time to learn about and practice mindfulness, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. A mindful check-in is a powerful tool that develops self-awareness without taking out extra time in your life. Plus, it helps you understand your environment and which people and environments you find more challenging.

Mindful breathing exercises are a powerful way to develop self-awareness and interrupt the fight-or-flight response. Practice them when you’re calm and deploy them when you find tensions rising.

You could also read my blog about Finding Peace and Serenity in Daily Life. With so many demands on us today, we’re just not at our best. Feeling stressed, depleted, and anxious causes us to be much more on edge. Carving out time and space in your life with or without your loved ones can set a much more balanced pace, helping you cope with whatever arguments might arise.

So far, I’ve suggested ways of working on yourself that address the conscious and superconscious aspects of ourselves. But if you want to work directly on your shadow boxing and power struggles, the best place to start is on the subconscious with depth psychology.

INSIGHT HIGHLIGHTS

While arguments are natural, if they escalate into a fight, they can cause detrimental damage to any relationship. Try to nip them in the bud before they escalate. Take time out, reflect honestly, and come back with an olive branch. Together, you can learn to grow and evolve through any conflict.

Relationships can be bumpy and challenging, but they offer a vessel of opportunity for us to grow. They hold up a mirror of that which needs to be healed, owned and transmuted. If you’re into personal and spiritual development, your relationships provide continuous material to work on and through. It takes courage to take ownership of that which is yours, but it’s the most liberating thing you’ll ever do. Take this opportunity to develop self-awareness and grow into the person you’re meant to become.

Thanks for reading, and as always, keep striving for growth and well-being, and never settle for less!

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5 Tips For Making Up After An Argument